Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit O: "Lazarus the Legend"

Hi HMNers -

First off, a huge thanks to the awesome crowd of fans that packed our last show at NerdMelt, and our awesome guest, actor Toni Hudson.  It was amazing.  We will be back on Friday, Feb. 13th (Friday the 13th, yo) with another cinematic disaster.  Get on our mailing list, as we are planning a killer guest very soon.  Email listers will get first crack at tickets before we announce to the general public.

Next is another in our ongoing series of movies, for one reason or another, that are just too damned bad for HMN.  This time, we feature "LAZARUS THE LEGEND."  Shot on video in 1991, this oddball kung-fu nightmare was directed by Matt Frazinni in Erie, PA.  It won an award at a local film festival, then disappeared for decades.  Tales of this missing masterpiece were passionately woven in bad movie circles.  Unfortunately, after years of working in local TV, Matt was killed in car crash in 2009.  The family decided to honor his memory by finally releasing "Lazarus" to the public.

The movie's brazen, balls-out action and insanity is jaw-dropping.  Unable to score the movie himself, the director chose to use the music from the original "Star Trek" TV show, with sound effects pulled from Bruce Lee movies.  Your mind might start to warp with the unending kung-fu battles, and the laconic intercuts to the sleepy puppet masters behind the effort to destroy Lazarus.  It's truly a sight to behold.

The awesome folks at Adjust Your Tracking are offering a special edition of the movie in a VHS clamshell.  All profits to the Frazinni family are being donated to a local Pennsylvania animal shelter.  Go check it out!  Here also is a link to view the movie on YouTube.



See you in February!  Get on our email list and you won't miss a horrible thing.

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit N: "Computer Beach Party"

Some movies are sadly too bad/boring/campy/whatever for even the hearty souls at HMN.  Here is yet another in an occasional series of profiles of those doomed films -- "Computer Beach Party."

Ostensibly made to combine the burgeoning computer craze with the established beach party craze, this 1987 bizarre hodgepodge features everything one looks for in a bad/good movie: bad acting, bad dubbing, lots of dubbing, subplots that go nowhere, etc.  "Computer Beach Party"adds a new and unprecedented affront:

A mid-movie apology to the audience for an unfilmed scene.

Wow.  This gem was unearthed by the geniuses at Found Footage Fest, and has been getting the exposure it deserves.  Just get immunized before being exposed to this movie.  Enjoy a snippet below and if you dig it, we've linked the entire film below that.

News on our Sat., June 14th show at NerdMelt coming soon!

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit M: "Desperation Rising"

There are movies too bad even for Horibble Movie Night?

Yes, Virginia -- there are.  This is another in our series of movies we meet during the vetting process for our show.  May we introduce you to "Desperation Rising".

A melangé of plot ideas, odd camera angles, and epileptic editing adds up to a bizarre mess that's more college video editing project than motion picture.  It's kinda a revenge tale of burned criminals taking out other criminals.  But it also chronicles the travails suffered by a group of prostitutes locked in a red-lit room.

The ADR sounds like the South Park kids imitating Bugs Bunny. The video effects would bring a tear to the eye of an Amiga 500. And what is the son of John Cassavetes & Gena Rowlands doing here?  Although he was in another movie cleverly titled "Farticus", so maybe the apple fell pretty far from the tree.

We normally say watch these movies with friends, and intoxicants.  In this case, stay away from the hooch, and watch it with an EMT team on stand-by.  You'll thank us.

News on our October 12th show -- coming soon!

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit L -- "Science Crazed"

There's several kinds of bad movies: good bad, boring bad, campy bad, and batshit frickin' insane bad.  Absolutely owning the last category is 1987's "Science Crazed."  It's the story of a scientist experimenting with a growth serum.  After injecting a woman in the hopes of her delivering a full-grown human, said full-grown human escapes the lab and begins a killing spree.  Two of the lab assistants and a cartoonish detective attempt to track down the creature.

If "Eraserhead" was instead made by a high school A/V club with equipment from 1982, you'd still have a ways to go before approaching the level of astonishing ineptitude of this movie.  It's jaw-dropping.  The editing errs on the side of maple syrup, the ADR punches your ears like Tyson, and acting makes you pray the killer hurries the fuck up (spoiler alert: he doesn't).  None of it, unfortunately, in a good bad way.

Consider yourselves warned, but you can view the entire film below.

Stay good bad,

HMN

Our next show at NerdMelt is Friday, Jan. 4th -- movie info soon!

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit K -- "Attack of the Beast Creatures"

It's another missive featuring the greatest misses of movies we've vetted for HMN.  This edition spotlights 1985's "Attack of the Beast Creatures."

This was a close one -- it's got everything we crave in a good/bad movie: terrible acting, non-existent special effects, awful monsters, and lots of dead space for audience mockery.  The story follows a group of shipwrecked survivors circa 1920 who land on a semi-tropical island (which looks remarkably like South Florida).  Soon after, mysterious and deadly events befall the unfortunate group.  Fresh water intermittently turns into flesh-melting acid, and scores of remarkably inanimate foot-tall monsters attack from the forest to munch on the humans.  The survivors do their best to escape their plight and the island, but are summarily picked off as they fend off the title characters.  It's embarrassing to be killed by evil Troll dolls with G.I. Joe kung-fu grip arm action.

It was just a smidge too slow to unleash upon a discriminating HMN audience.  As much as it is, we have a reputation to uphold.

"Attack of the Beast Creatures" is like "Lost" as experienced through a fogged-up old-timey diving helmet.  You'll feel like you have the bends watching this movie.  That said, here it is in its entirety -- watch only if like wooden acting and wooden puppets.



Our next HMN will be Saturday, November 17th at the fabu NerdMelt Showroom, featuring improv from Love Jet.  Movie info to be declassified soon!

L,

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit J -- "Without Warning"

Bam!

Without warning, it's another entry in our too-bad-to-be-horrible files!

There's nothing like a Greydon Clark flick.  We have previous featured his mutant cat on a yacht picture, "Uninvited", at our theater show, so we were stoked to delve into another in his oeuvre, "Without Warning."

It starts out so promising -- HMN favorite Cameron Mitchell and his son (along on a hunting trip to man up) are dispatched by what can only be described as flying pocket pussies with teeth.  Ick.  There is also a teenage David Caruso (minus the sunglasses) acting a fool in 1980s short shorts.  And how can you resist Jack Palance and Martin Landau trying to out-gruff each other?  Believe it -- or not!


Sadly, it's somewhat joyless in its cheese, going through the motions after the halfway point.  There are indeed plenty of fun moments, though -- watch the entire movie below.  Now you are no longer without a warning.

Info on our August 2nd show soon!

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit I - "2019 - After the Fall of New York"

What an evocative title!  

Who doesn't want to see what happens when New York falls (probably after walking across Broadway while texting)?  In reality, like New York itself, 1983's "2019 - After the Fall of New York" is a mixed bag.  A good deal of it is wonderfully hamhanded -- the other good deal is rather dull.  It trods in the footsteps of "Mad Max" and "Escape from New York" by its hero (employed by one of two warring government factions) infiltrating the remains of NYC to find the last remaining fertile woman on Earth.

The special effects are so bad, they're kinda cute.  You almost want to go "awwww", like seeing your little nephew trying his hardest on the school science project.  Any of the sci-fi stuff is worth your time -- all of the NYC stuff is worth suing the studio.  Big Ape, who appears without explanation as the leader of an unexplained group of apemen, is a particular highlight.  But we can't can't explain why.

Watch the whole movie below, if you dare!

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit H - "Strike Commando"

Ah, yes --

The long line of "Rambo" rip-offs of the late 80s seems to have no end.  The success of the franchise, paired with the booming VHS market, created a perfect storm of crummy movies.  Among the more entertaining is Bruno Mattei's "Strike Commando".  This by-the-numbers Vietnam War stinker from 1987 stars Reb Brown (once TV's Captain America) as Sgt. Michael Ransom, yet another highly-trained grunt fucked over by his commanding officers, seeking revenge.

We really wanted to like this one.  It's mostly pokey and dull, but has moments of horrible brilliance.  Sgt. Ransom dazzles a village boy with flowery descriptions of Disneyland, promising to take him after the war.  Of course, the kid doesn't last, making for a hilarious death scene.

Enjoy!

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit G - "Pushed Too Far"

Ever since we dug the VHS of "Pushed Too Far" from a box in a thrift shop, we at HMN wished so desperately that it was good/bad enough for our show. It's got all the right elements -- slow pace, bad acting, a token "name" actor, and by far the worst box art we've ever seen (a flying ninja over city hall, with Sheriff Lobo looking in the wrong direction), but it just isn't great/bad.

A picture-perfect town in Indiana is the setting for some unexplained attacks on local citizens. The local karate instructor is as puzzled as anyone, until his wife becomes a victim. His teachings of non-violence keep him from seeking revenge, but the killer (a psychotic former professional wrestler) steps up his game. Then, the karate instructor is, wait for it -- pushed too far.

The biggest carbuncle here is Herb Johnson, a karate champion who, natch, plays the karate champion. He was cast for his martial arts skills, not his acting, and it drags the movie down like a lead overcoat. Claude Akins, famous as the aforementioned Sheriff Lobo, looks conspicuously itchy as the (sigh) local sheriff. The fight scenes are silly, the editing is lugubrious, and the villain is hilariously cartoony.

It does have a Facebook appreciation group, quite a feat for a movie with nearly zero online reviews. You can buy the DVD directly from the makers of the film at this link. Just don't tell 'em we sent you.

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit F - "Las Vegas Bloodbath"

As it is (kinda) said in "The Big Lebowski", "Sometimes there's a movie, and sometimes there's a movie." This is that movie. 1989's "Las Vegas Bloodbath" is an astonishing mess, with bipolar pacing that would humble Gary Busey. The story (a term to be used loosely) starts with a real estate agent landing an important deal. Arriving home to share the story with his lady, he finds her in an awful wig in sexual congress with another man. Almost instantly, he turns from humble businessman to giggly maniac. After dispatching them both and removing his wife's head, he (plus the head) drives to Las Vegas to continue his rampage, concentrating mostly on hapless hookers.

Ordinarily, this movie would be a joy, but it is so amateurishly executed (sorry), that it is rendered impossible to like. At one point, the killer stalks a woman at her home, where she is inexplicably hosting an entire women's oil wrestling team. They chat F O R E V E R until the killer manages to do away with his target in a most vile way. We didn't make it through the rest of the film -- we recommend you don't even start.

Here is a particularly cogent vignette from this titanic dud:

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit E - "Killer Workout"

The most surprising thing about "Killer Workout" is it was one of two health club-themed slasher movies (the other being "Death Spa" with Johnny Slash himself, Merritt Buttrick). But it most certainly is the worse of the pair. Beyond that, there ain't much else surprising here.

Also known as "Aerobicide", this turkey features a killer haunting a health club. Instead of workout programs, this club seems only to feature music videos with hilariously heaving bodies clad in awesome 80s spandex. And the weapon of choice when the killer starts dispatching said bodies? A giant safety pin. Yowza.

The creators of HMN favorite, "Deadly Prey" are behind this one, but brought along very little of the same genius. This one will truly exercise your patience.

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit D - "Ax 'Em"

Ever wonder who would win a fight between a blender and a movie script? Wonder no further, because "Ax 'Em" is the answer! This ultra-low budget slasher film (supposedly it cost $650. to make) has members of a black fraternity taking a road trip to stay in creepy mansion. A killer is loose in search of some sort of unrelated revenge, and that's about all the sense this film makes. Lighting, sound, camera work, editing -- they're all impossibly awful. Group shots are posed like family portraits, and no less than five people talk simultaneously. But note well the final words of an elderly murder victim, which will assuredly enter your daily lexicon: "Awwwwww shit."

This atrocious turd was brought to light by Michael Adams, in his great bad movie book, "Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro Zombies: A Film Critic's Year-Long Quest to Find the Worst Movie Ever Made". You know you're in trouble within seconds as the misspelled prologue skewers the logic center of your brain. And it's only downhill from there.

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit C - "Pocket Ninjas"

"Pocket Ninjas"! It's a very innocuous title with a whimsical, kid-friendly poster. But be warned -- this movie is about as friendly as a chainsaw with cavities. The plot is not unlike a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book: some kids read a comic book about some kids who train to be ninjas who may or may not be some kids who are kung-fu vigilantes. Which storyline is real? Whose vantage point is it from? I'm sure no one involved knows. Jean Cocteau ain't got nuthin' on the surrealism of "Pocket Ninjas".

The dynamic duo of bad movies, Donald G. Jackson & Scott Shaw, have their hand in this film, which may explain some of the weirdness (and the neon-coiffed kabuki masks recycled from Shaw's epic, "The Roller Blade Seven"). "Pocket Ninjas" is groundbreaking in its mind-bending narrative. If you're afraid to try hallucinogenic drugs, but wonder what they're like, watch "Pocket Ninjas".

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit B - "Beasties"

Here's another entry in our ongoing series of movies we've screened that have not made the cut for our show, but are still worth a masochistic look.

Exhibit B is 1991's "Beasties", which unfortunately has nothing to do with the Boys of the same name. It's a goof on the 1950s alien-invasion-during-teen-rutting-season, with some odd additions. A nerdy science major goes on a double date, with the worst John Candy/Robin Williams imitator tagging along as his wingman. The group is captured by some punks (the zeitgeist version of punk rockers of the late 80s), who are in league with a satanic priestess. Oh, and there's aliens, too.

It's fun and stupid and weird and all the good things that make a HMN movie, but it's a bit slow, and shot amazing poorly (it was filmed in Super 8, and the DVD is a VHS transfer). There's a lot of funny moments, though, as evidenced in the trailer below. Watch only if you have extra ADHD meds.



Don't forget to join us for the killer mutant cat opus "Uninvited" this Saturday, October 16th at The Complex in Hollywood!

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit A -- "Exterminator City"

We go through a lot of movies when programming HMN. There is a very fine line of what makes a great bad movie -- it can't be too bad (i.e. boring, inaudible) or too good (campy, trying too hard). There have been almost-great movies we've seen that haven't made the cut, and we thought we'd share a few with you.

Exhibit A is 2005's "Exterminator City". Like a car that is held together with rivets, this movie is held together by boobs. It involves a serial killer robot that only kills overly-endowed ladies in states on undress. He is hunted by a detective robot with whom, at one point, he has a sword fight (!?). It features some of the worst special effects we've seen (a flying car on a stick in front of a poster of a cityscape).

Beware the trailer is NSFW!



This movie was suggested by one of our fans, and we love your suggestions! Let us know if there's any bad movies we should be aware of -- email us, or add to the discussions page on HMN's Facebook page.

Our one-year anniversary show is Saturday, September 18th -- very special movie to be announced soon!

Your pals,

HMN