Saturday, February 26, 2011

Know the past, or you'll be doomed to watch it again --

HMN has polluted the screen nineteen times at its show so far. Are you a curious newcomer interested in what we've previously shown? Are you a HMN vet wanting to relive the pain? Well, then peruse our eternally damned movies -- never to make it into movie heaven, but will party in movie hell.

The Executioner Part 2
Memorial Valley Massacre
The Witching
Suburban Sasquatch
Santa with Muscles
Guns of El Chupacabra
Terror in Beverly Hills
Microwave Massacre
The Meateater
Alien Vs. Hunter
Deadly Prey
Twister's Revenge
Alien Warrior
The Lost Idol
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny/Magic Christmas Tree
Zombie Lake

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit C - "Pocket Ninjas"

"Pocket Ninjas"! It's a very innocuous title with a whimsical, kid-friendly poster. But be warned -- this movie is about as friendly as a chainsaw with cavities. The plot is not unlike a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book: some kids read a comic book about some kids who train to be ninjas who may or may not be some kids who are kung-fu vigilantes. Which storyline is real? Whose vantage point is it from? I'm sure no one involved knows. Jean Cocteau ain't got nuthin' on the surrealism of "Pocket Ninjas".

The dynamic duo of bad movies, Donald G. Jackson & Scott Shaw, have their hand in this film, which may explain some of the weirdness (and the neon-coiffed kabuki masks recycled from Shaw's epic, "The Roller Blade Seven"). "Pocket Ninjas" is groundbreaking in its mind-bending narrative. If you're afraid to try hallucinogenic drugs, but wonder what they're like, watch "Pocket Ninjas".

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Abracadabra! Come help us saw this "Sorceress" in half!

Hark, HMN fans -

As a balmy L.A. winter settles upon the land, allow HMN to transport you to a fantasy realm to view a film so bad, it would make Gary Gygax spin in his grave. We could only be speaking of February's HMN movie, "Sorceress".

This 1982 sword & sorcery epic failure concerns twin sisters Mara and Mira, who are part of a prophecy that would unleash an era of darkness on the world. To prevent such a calamity, the girls are hidden away as babies and, as they grow up, are taught various fighting skills. They eventually team with a barbarian, a Viking, and a horny (pun intended) satyr to fight the wizard who would force his way to power.

"Sorceress" is a lovely, screaming disaster. For a film with female warrior leads, it's amazingly and hilariously sexist. The women are raised as boys, and every opportunity is exploited to have them disrobe, or pose asinine sexual questions (the scene where the Viking attempts to explain sex to them is especially cringe-worthy). You'll adore the terrible make-up and creature "effects" -- an ape is inexplicably an officer in the evil wizard's army. And wait 'til you see the greased-pole-and-sharp-stick torture device. There's so much to love here.

Peep the trailer below (NSFW, yo):

Friday, February 25th, 2010
8PM (Doors at 7:15)
The Complex - Ruby Theater
6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038

This time, we're having the show on a Friday, just to keep you on your toes. We give out prizes for the best quips of the evening -- hack & slash the screen with your best riffs and one-liners, and you may walk away with one! Your host will be the inimitable Tom Winkler of, and halftime improv will explode from The Omelettes, comedians extraordinaire. We will have treats & drinks for sale to buttress your funny yellings.

So come on down to the theater for this hilarious catastrophe! The more, the merrier is the HMN way, so spread the word, retweet, and like us! Have your friends give us a gander on Facebook and Twitter (you, too, if you haven't already).

We'll look forward to have you get medieval on our "Sorceress"! Thanks for your support.