Talk about a train wreck! HMN takes on "Night Train to Terror"!

Crappy new year, y'all!

With so many wonderful things to look forward to in 2012 (Mayan apocalypse, presidential election -- wait, are they the same thing?), it is our bound duty to provide you succor in the form of the worst movies on the planet.  Allow us to start the year off wrong with the anthemic anthology, 1985's "Night Train to Terror".

Not unlike "Creepshow" or "Cat's Eye" in format, "Night Train to Terror" offers three cautionary tales of horror.  But unlike the aforementioned films, this movie is like a Jamba Juice of horrifying ingredients and putrefying infusions -- in other words, a Jamba Juice.  The frame story takes place on a train, and has God and Satan (and, inexplicably, an 80s synth rock band busted out in full song) bargaining for recently departed human souls.  To illustrate their debate, the lives of each of the three people are played out through the train car's window.  As you might expect, each person's life is chock-full of dramatic horror and bizarre situations (mental institution, a "death club", etc.).

"Night Train to Terror" was cut together from three other movies, "Cataclysm", "Carnival of Fools", and "Scream Your Head Off", the latter having never been completed.  The final product is so impossibly disjointed, and hilariously so.  This one has it all -- stop-motion puppets, exploding heads, shirtless fights, and abuse of popcorn.  Two of the sequences star Richard Moll, of "Night Court" fame, in two very disparate roles.  Also starring is Cameron Mitchell, one of our favorite actors who's appeared in previous HMN films, "Memorial Valley Massacre", "Deadly Prey", and "Terror in Beverly Hills".  "Night Train to Terror" is a real rollercoaster, and thankfully it never lets up, even after you barf and lose all the change in your pockets.  Here's the trailer (NSFW, on account of boobs):

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Saturday, January 21st, 2012

8PM (Doors 7:15PM)

The Complex Theater - East Theater

6468 Santa Monica Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90038

$10.

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Tickets are on sale now now now -- click at this link, or on the image below to purchase.  For this performance, we have moved to the East Theater -- still part of the Complex, just two doors down from the lobby entrance.

As always, the fine folks that are The Omelettes will provide scathing improv & laughitude during the evening.  But of course, the real star of HMN is you!  The machine of HMN is powered by your hilarious comments throughout the evening -- do it superatively, and you can walk home with a prize (and yes, we make you walk home).

Don't forget to join us on Facebook, Twitter, Google, and our mailing list -- you'll stay informed on what's awful cinematically.  Hope to see you at the theater!

Toot toot,

HMN

Have yourself a scary little Christmas with HMN and "Elves"!

Every Christmas it's the same --

-- we always wind up playing a shepherd, and we think the previous year's Christmas movie can't be topped.  How do you get any worse than "Santa with Muscles" or "Santa Claus and the Ice Cream Bunny"?  We'll tell you how -- with a little lump of coal from 1989 titled, "Elves".  We considered not even writing a full description of the movie, and let one line speak for the entire event:

"I want to know the connection between the elves and the Nazis."

What, you haven't broken out your wallet in a frenzy to buy a ticket?  OK, fine.  "Elves" is a jaunty holiday tale of a long-dormant Nazi plot to engineer an army of supermen by having an elf creature mate with a human virgin on Christmas Eve.  The only spanner in the works is Mike McGavin, an ex-cop turned department store Santa (played by "Grizzly Adams" star Dan Haggerty), who insinuates himself into the action to save the virgin, save Christmas, and save the human race.

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Saturday, December 17th, 2011

8PM (Doors 7:15PM)

The Complex Theater

6476 Santa Monica Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90038

$10.

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Come and be a part of the Christ-mess spirit!  Tickets are on sale now at this link -- get 'em now while you can!  We're cheaper than a regular movie anywhere else, and you won't have to worry that the movie will be bad -- you already know it is!  And you can still buy secret Santa gifts with the extra cash.

As always, we will feature improv from the awesome Omelettes, drinks of various potencies for sale, and prizes to be given out for the funniest, most crowd-pleasingest one-liners yelled out during the show.  So riff we all!  Don't forget to join us on Facebook, Twitter, Google, and our mailing list -- you'll stay informed on what's awful cinematically.  We'll look forward to hosting you this month at the theater!

Merry merry,

HMN

Place your bets! Tiffany Vs. Debbie Gibson, or Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid?

Either way, you win!

Hello, HMN faithful.  As heady excitement grows about the turkey coma soon to engulf you, we at HMN only dream of the turkey coma this month's movie put us in during the vetting process.  For November, allow us to present the reptili-gorical cinematic experience that is "Mega Python Vs. Gatoroid".

A relative newcomer to the field, it was released this year (2011) directly onto the SyFy Network.  Aside from the title characters, it also features 80s pop singers Tiffany and Debbie Gibson.  Debbie plays an animal activist trying to save native Everglades reptiles from harm.  Tiffany plays a sheriff charged with protecting said Everglades from animal activists.  All that goes out the window when giant snakes start showing up and devouring people.  Both women reluctantly team up to defend against the renegade snakes, and the genetically-engineered gators created to fight them.  Phew!


We are pleased as chum to have members of the cast & crew agree to come down to the show for some alligator soufflé -- actors Bobby Ray Shafer (in his second triumphant appearance at HMN), Kaiwi Lyman, and Kevin Horton will join us for a Q & A after the film. It's gonna be mega.

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Saturday, November 19th, 2011
8PM (Doors 7:15PM)
The Complex Theater
6476 Santa Monica Blvd.
Hollywood, Calif., 90038
$10.
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This show is sponsored by our good friends at The Asylum -- the studio behind the film.  Go to their store and buy some fun stuff!  As always, The Omelettes will be on hand to scramble up some tasty improv based on scenes from the movie, and your suggestions!  And you yourself could walk home with a prize, if you come up with the best one-liner of the evening, that is.  So arrive funny!

Tickets are available now now now!  This will be a popular show, so git 'em now while they're still there to git.  Follow the link to our PayPal site for your purchase.

Keep super up-to-date with us via Facebook and Twitter -- we hope to be adding more actors, and extra   surprises as the weeks go along.  We'll look forward to seeing you at the theater!

Chomp,

HMN

The awesomeness of garbage day.

First off, allow us to thank all of you for your horrible support of our detestable show.  We're so pleased and disgusted to have you all as fans, and look forward to seeing you at our theater show in the future.

In honor of Halloween, let us honor Christmas -- more specifically, the holiday classic, "Silent Night, Deadly Night 2".  It has been established that this yule-turd of a movie contains one of the most classic and oft-repeated lines in any bad movie (second only to "the" line in "Shark Attack 3: Megalodon", covered in glorious detail by our friends at the Proudly Resents podcast).  To wit:



What we at HMN love is that "garbage day" has become a meme.  Following are some of the myriad of hilarious parodies & tributes of this lovely scene.  Enjoy!

Labor day! 
St. Patrick's Day!
Veteran's Day!
Laundry Day!

HMN

P.S. - November's show is Saturday the 19th -- movie info to follow.

Sashay down the bloody runway with the cast of "Project Vampire"!

Happy Sucktober!

While Twi-hards warm the concrete in front of the multiplex in anticipation of their latest vampire fix, we merely have to open the coffin we found in the basement of HMN headquarters and root around for the moldiest VHS tape. For your Halloween treat, we present 1998's "Project Vampire".

Known by some as the worst vampire movie ever made, this onion necklace of a movie tells the tale of Dr. Frederick Klaus. The bad doctor is developing a serum that promises to rejuvenate youth, but actually infects the user with vampirism. Dr. Klaus' plan is to turn the entire world into vampires, whom he will then control. One test subject, Victor Hunter, escapes the lab, and with the help of an emergency room nurse, endeavors to expose the serum's true purpose. But Dr. Klaus is not to be deterred, and sends out his vampire hitmen to stop them. As with most of our movies, this one has no trailer, so here's a clip:



We are honored to reunite the cast of this turkey, some of whom were frightened off of acting for good. Joining us in the theater are Brian Knudson, Christopher Smith, and Kelvin Tsao. They will appear onstage after the film for a Q & A. Yowza!

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Saturday, October 22nd, 2011
8PM (Doors 7:15PM)
The Complex Theater
6476 Santa Monica Blvd.
Hollywood, Calif., 90038
$10.
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In addition to all the wonderful vampy foolishness this evening will bring, HMN will also feature improv from the gargantuan talent of The Omelettes. They will create scenes based on the film at various points during the show. Don't forget you can win a prize for the best riff yelled out at the show! So be there filled with funny, and direct it at the screen for your chance to be a winner!

Tickets are available now! Click on the link below to purchase them via PayPal. Seats go fast, so get on board early -- it's gonna be a hoot.

Don't forget to stalk us on Facebook and Twitter, get on our mailing list, too. C'mon -- we stalk you. Hope to see you all at the theater!

Most horribly,

HMN

It's the terrible twos! Join us for a special birthday show, with "Catman", and "Shattered: If Your Kid's On Drugs"!

Happy birthday, us!

It's been two years since we opened the doors of Horrible Movie Night, and we can't thank our fans enough. We've been having a ton of fun sharing these terrible movies, and have been thrilled to meet & laugh with you all over the last 24 months. But unlike most normal people, instead of getting you something nice, we're going to give you a couple of very awful films that we've been saving for just such a special occasion. For our birthday show, we are presenting some glorious oddballs, "Catman", and "Shattered: If Your Kid's On Drugs". Both of these are short-form pieces that we previously hadn't found a proper place for in our show. You will soon reap the benefits.

Legendary Hong Kong schlockmeister Godfrey Ho has made scores of crummy movies throughout the 80s & 90s. His favorite technique was shooting a short film, and then cutting in a totally unrelated movie to pad it out to feature-length. Lucky for us, one of his short films was 1990's "Catman", about two CIA agents trying to take down a satanic church. One agent is scratched by a radioactive cat (don't ask), and ends up with super powers. Wonderfully, "Catman" was shot with English actors, speaking English -- and dubbed again in English. It's howlingly funny, as the trailer will illustrate:

Also on the bill is 1986's "Shattered: If Your Kid's On Drugs", which was a huge hit when we debuted it at the pre-theater HMN many years ago. An hour-long anti-drug melodrama, it "stars" Burt Reynolds and Judd Nelson (who we're sure were totally court-ordered to be in it) as a Greek chorus to a story of two families struggling with children abusing drugs. As with most TV movies trying to frighten people about drug abuse, it's extremely square, and ripe for HMN-ifying. We know you guys will rise to the occasion. Dermot Mulroney (in his very first role) stars as one of the afflicted youngsters. Here's a clip:

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Saturday, September 24th, 2011

8PM (Doors 7:15PM)

The Complex Theater

6476 Santa Monica Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90038

$10.

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We'll have drinks available for purchase tin the lobby, as well as baked goods. There will various surprises added as the weeks go along. You can always count on the excellent improv stylings of The Omelettes, who will on-hand to additionally razz the film. And as always, if you yell out the funniest lines of the night, you could win a birthday prize. Tickets are on sale now at the link below via PayPal. Git 'em now before they sell out!

Don't forget to stalk us on Facebook & Twitter, and tell a friend that loves bad movies (we know you have at least one). We certainly hope you'll come & help us celebrate our horrible birthday!

In horribilium,

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit G - "Pushed Too Far"

Ever since we dug the VHS of "Pushed Too Far" from a box in a thrift shop, we at HMN wished so desperately that it was good/bad enough for our show. It's got all the right elements -- slow pace, bad acting, a token "name" actor, and by far the worst box art we've ever seen (a flying ninja over city hall, with Sheriff Lobo looking in the wrong direction), but it just isn't great/bad.

A picture-perfect town in Indiana is the setting for some unexplained attacks on local citizens. The local karate instructor is as puzzled as anyone, until his wife becomes a victim. His teachings of non-violence keep him from seeking revenge, but the killer (a psychotic former professional wrestler) steps up his game. Then, the karate instructor is, wait for it -- pushed too far.

The biggest carbuncle here is Herb Johnson, a karate champion who, natch, plays the karate champion. He was cast for his martial arts skills, not his acting, and it drags the movie down like a lead overcoat. Claude Akins, famous as the aforementioned Sheriff Lobo, looks conspicuously itchy as the (sigh) local sheriff. The fight scenes are silly, the editing is lugubrious, and the villain is hilariously cartoony.

It does have a Facebook appreciation group, quite a feat for a movie with nearly zero online reviews. You can buy the DVD directly from the makers of the film at this link. Just don't tell 'em we sent you.