Monday, May 4, 2015

It's a double black diamond roast of "ICED"!

Well met, HMN fans -

Happy spring! The weather is finally starting to warm up. Hence in true HMN fashion, we want to take you skiing with 1988’s Iced!

This ski slope slasher begins with a group of smarmy kids gathered at a ski resort for fun, skiing, and sex. Two of the knucklehead bros decide to have a ski race at night to win the affections of a girl. Sounds logical. Unfortunately, one of the two bros meets with an unpleasant fate, but not before vowing revenge on, well — everybody.  Four years later (this movie spans nine years total — take that, Boyhood!), the same group is mysteriously invited to the opening of new ski resort, and are offered deluxe accommodations in a spacious lodge. Fun, skiing, and sex commence once again. However, they are soon violently dispatched one at a time by a ski-masked killer.  The remaining kids desperately try to stay alive and figure out the identity of the killer. Could it be the ghost of their dead friend? And can they get a refund for their lift tickets?

“Iced” is so much damned fun. The kills are bloody, the dialogue is cheesy, and the nudity is nudey.  Ever want to see a naked guy do coke?  “Iced” has got you, bro. The movie is also a cautionary tale about teasing friends with mental illnesses. It’s just not a good idea! One of the movie’s stars is Lisa Loring, the original Wednesday Addams on “The Addams Family”. Even Morticia would be aghast at this character’s poor hot tub etiquette. It’s double black diamond entertainment.  Here's a spoilerific bunch of clips (don't watch if you want the kills to be a surprise):


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Saturday, May 9th 2015
9PM (Doors (8:30)
7522 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, Calif. 90046
Tickets: $8. in advance ($10. at the door)
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Tickets are cheaper in advance, so save some money by buying early.  We are thrilled to have one of the actors from the film, RON KOLOGIE, join us for a Q&A after the movie. There will also be killer stand-up from KUMAIL NANJIANI (Silicon Valley, The Meltdown Show)! All this and free popcorn?  Let’s do this.

Follow us on TwitterInstagramFacebook, and on our mailing list to keep apprised of all things horrible.  Grab your tickets now, and slalom on down to the show!

Swish,

HMN

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit P: "Laser Moon"

Ahoy hoy -

Here's another in our semi-regular series of movies fully-awful -- movies too crummy even for us.

1993 brought the world "Laser Moon", one of many post-porn sorties for Traci Lords.  She had been on this path for a few years, so it's not "Not of This Earth"-level bad.  It's just drop-dead boring.

A serial killer is on the loose, and he kills only under a full moon.  Even more specific is his weapon of choice -- a high-powered laser, which he presses against his victims' head, boiling their brains.  It ain't a very scary weapon.  It looks more like a big laser pointer.

Anyway, the killer taunts the public by calling in to a popular talk radio program with clues and boasts.  Traci is a forensic cop assigned to catch the laser villain. She has scenes with the radio DJ, other cops, and various randos that bend time with how long they drag on.  It's like Eric Bogosian's "Talk Radio" meets a bottle of Nyquil.

We'd link a clip, but the internet has rejected any video evidence like the human body rejects a black market kidney.  Seek it out if you need assistance falling asleep.

Our next HMN show at NerdMelt in Hollywood will be Saturday, May 9th.  We'll have an announcement of the chilly selection we've made, along with our awesome stand-ups.  Stay with us!

Zzzzzzap,

HMN

Sunday, April 5, 2015

Come hunt the action-packed bounty of PAROLE VIOLATORS!

Happy Easter, VHSers!

We are anxious to lay a beautifully-decorated rotten egg in your basket this month -- it's 1994's Parole Violators!

Miles Long is a disgraced former cop who has taken to busting criminals a different way -- as the host of the hit local access TV show, "Parole Violators." With his trusty video camera, he follows around recent parolees, goading them into committing new crimes (which kinda makes him worse than the criminals themselves). When a particularly scummy scumbag is freed and subsequently kidnaps his girlfriend's daughter, Miles goes on the offensive. Well, more on the offensive.

This movie's got more action than an old-timey director's megaphone. Stuntman-turned-actor Sean Donahue and his director father Patrick churned out a slew of quickie action movies in the 90s, hoping to turn Sean into a star. Considering HMN is showing one of his movies clues you in to how it turned out.


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Saturday, April 11, 2015
9PM
(Doors 8:30)
NerdMelt Showroom
7522 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, Calif. 90046
Tickets: $8. in advance ($10. at the door)
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We are excited to have you all down to the show to roast this Easter egg. Grab tickets in advance on the cheap, and save two dollars!  We will also welcome our excellent stand-up talent: BRYAN COOK (Erotic Fan Fiction), and LISA BEST (Warped Penguin Comedy Show)! Don't forget the free popcorn (meaning we have it here for you. Don't bring us free popcorn).

Let's do this! Follow us on social media, and get on our mailing list -- we have an astounding guest co-host coming to a future show, and mailing list subscribers get first crack at tickets. See you at the theater, little cottontails.

Thumpity thump-thump,

HMN

Tuesday, March 17, 2015

We want YOU to pick our next horrible movie!

Hi bad movie fanatics -

Ordinarily, Horrible Movie Night is a very user-friendly show.  So we decided to make it even user-friendlier!  For April, we want you to choose the form of the destructor, i.e., pick which Sean P. Donahue movie you'd like to roast on Saturday, April 11.

Watch both of these trailers, and let us know which one you think will be better/worse.  Will it be 1994's Parole Violators, or 1997's Ground Rules?  You decide!


-- OR --



Let us know which one you like in the comments, or on Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram.  Winner announced soon!

HMN

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

You don't stop, you can't stop the "BODY ROCK"!

Hi HMN fans -

March roars in like a breakdancing lion with another entry in our cinematic rogue's gallery -- it's "Body Rock".

New York City, 1984.  An amazing time for culture with the explosion of street art, hip hop, and breakdancing.  Films like "Style Wars", "Breakin'", and "Wild Style" brought it life for so many people all over the world.  Now take all that culture and excitement, and put it through the Hollywood homogenization machine, and you get a movie worthy of HMN.  The film stars Lorenzo Lamas as Chilly D, a street-smart rapper, dancer, and graffiti artist (from whom we see very little of all three).  He hangs with his crew and toughs it out trying to make it big.  Once Chilly gets a job from a high-profile promoter, he starts to forget his old crew.  Will he grab his shot at the big time, or will he remember where he came from?




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Saturday, March 14th, 2015
9PM (Doors 8:30)
NerdMelt Showroom
7522 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, Calif. 90046
Tickets: $8. in advance ($10. at the door)
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We're back on our regular Saturday this month, so grab your tickets now on the cheap.  We are excited to feature stand-up from ANNA AKANA (YouTube), and MATT INGEBRETSON (The Soup).  There will also be our usual cheap snacks & drinks, and free popcorn!  Get on our email list now, as there will be an amazing guest host being announced soon for a future show, and email subscribers will get the first crack at tickets.  Do it!  And follow us on all your favorite flavors of social media.

Happy March!

HMN

Thursday, January 29, 2015

Just try to rewrite "DEATH BY DIALOGUE"!

Hi again, HMNers -

We have a lovely bunch of coconuts in store for February.  And we get to bring you our show on a special Friday the 13th!  Every once in a while, a movie crosses our path that makes us say, "It's called what --?"  Thankfully, that movie is 1988's "Death By Dialogue."

Another gem from the direct-to-VHS boom of the 1980s, the film concerns a group of teenagers headed out to the country for some spring break fun (because nothing says "party" like hanging around fields of dead grass and unkempt trees).  They are staying at the home of one of the kids' uncle, a retired taxidermist.  The uncle is also the unwilling guardian of a haunted movie script, which the kids eventually discover.  Whoever reads the script will find themselves pursued and killed by sinister forces.  The kids attempt to discover the nature of the curse before the script gets rid of all of them.

I know, right?!

The producers thought a big selling point would be to cast Ken Sagoes, the unexpected and hilarious star of "Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors."  Even Ken could not dream his way out of this wonderfully ludicrous movie.  Wait until you see the deadly heavy metal band (trailer is NSFW on account of boobies).



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FRIDAY, February 13th, 2015
9PM (doors 8:30)
NerdMelt Showroom
7522 Sunset Blvd., Hollywood, Calif. 90046
Tickets: $8. in advance ($10. at the door)
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We are excited to have you come and riff the movie with us!  We have one of the stars of the film scheduled to appear after the show for a Q&A.  As always, we will have excellent stand-up comedy from some of L.A.'s best comics.  There will be cheap snacks & drinks, and FREE POPCORN!  Remember, the best one-liners of the night will win prizes.  Get your tickets cheap in advance, and bear in mind the show is FRIDAY this month.

Stalk us on Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, and via our email list.  Make sure to get on it as we have a very special guest co-host planned for a future show, and the email list will get first crack at tickets.

See you soon!

HMN


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit O: "Lazarus the Legend"

Hi HMNers -

First off, a huge thanks to the awesome crowd of fans that packed our last show at NerdMelt, and our awesome guest, actor Toni Hudson.  It was amazing.  We will be back on Friday, Feb. 13th (Friday the 13th, yo) with another cinematic disaster.  Get on our mailing list, as we are planning a killer guest very soon.  Email listers will get first crack at tickets before we announce to the general public.

Next is another in our ongoing series of movies, for one reason or another, that are just too damned bad for HMN.  This time, we feature "LAZARUS THE LEGEND."  Shot on video in 1991, this oddball kung-fu nightmare was directed by Matt Frazinni in Erie, PA.  It won an award at a local film festival, then disappeared for decades.  Tales of this missing masterpiece were passionately woven in bad movie circles.  Unfortunately, after years of working in local TV, Matt was killed in car crash in 2009.  The family decided to honor his memory by finally releasing "Lazarus" to the public.

The movie's brazen, balls-out action and insanity is jaw-dropping.  Unable to score the movie himself, the director chose to use the music from the original "Star Trek" TV show, with sound effects pulled from Bruce Lee movies.  Your mind might start to warp with the unending kung-fu battles, and the laconic intercuts to the sleepy puppet masters behind the effort to destroy Lazarus.  It's truly a sight to behold.

The awesome folks at Adjust Your Tracking are offering a special edition of the movie in a VHS clamshell.  All profits to the Frazinni family are being donated to a local Pennsylvania animal shelter.  Go check it out!  Here also is a link to view the movie on YouTube.



See you in February!  Get on our email list and you won't miss a horrible thing.

HMN