Gov. Jesse Ventura signs awesome into law with "ABRAXAS - GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE"!

Happy almost-summer, HMNers!

If you're like us, you don't just like Terminator ripoffs -- you like Terminator ripoffs while having to do math!  Henceforth for June, we give you 1990's "ABRAXAS - GUARDIAN OF THE UNIVERSE".

A group of space cops, called Finders, keep the universe's peace via the planet Sargacia.  When one Finder, Secundus, goes rogue in search of greater power, what do you do to catch an unstoppable killing machine? Send another unstoppable killing machine.  That unstoppable killing machine is Abraxas, played by Gov. Jesse Ventura.

Of course, the two unstoppable killing machines end up on Earth, blow up a lot of stuff, and immaculately knock up an Earth woman, whose kid could actually solve the Anti-Life equation, which will unlock the universe's ultimate power.  It's a real hootenanny of cheesy goodness.





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Saturday, June 15th, 2013
9PM (Doors 8:30)
NerdMelt Showroom
7522 Sunset Blvd.
Hollywood, Calif. 90046
Tickets: $8. in advance ($10. at the door)
Ages 16+
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As always, we invite YOU to heckle to movie to your heart's content.  The best one-liners of the evening will win prizes!  In addition to the inherent unintended hilariousness of the movie, we will welcome very much on-purpose funny standups to perform:  Jackie Kashian (The Dork Forest podcast; Conan), and Jordan Morris (Jordan, Jesse, Go!; Maximum Fun podcast; Fetch Quest/Daily Habit).  Plus there's free popcorn!  Come on!

Grab tickets in advance at a discount -- you won't want to miss this one.  Huddle up with us via Facebook, Twitter, and our email list.  We promise to keep it above the waist, and keep you informed of all things horrible movie-ey.

Mathematical,

HMN

"Enemy Territory" is hilarious territory! Guest co-host ROB SCHRAB!

Howdy again, HMN peeps -

They say April showers bring May flowers -- this particular May brings the blooming turdflower that is 1987's "Enemy Territory."

A down-on-his-luck insurance agent (Gary Frank) has a chance for a really big account, and it must be closed that day.  The problem?  She lives in a gang-ridden building, and night is falling.  As Barry enters the projects, another player in the drama arrives -- telephone repairman Will (played by Ray Parker Jr.) is there to, well -- fix the phones.  Once some inevitable gang interaction transpires, Barry and Will must team up and, along with some less-than willing residents of the building, attempt to escape the murderous clutches of the Vampires gang.

This not-on-DVD-or-Netflix film was billed as a breakout role for Ray Parker Jr. (yeah, the "Ghostbusters" theme song guy), who was expected to be minted as the next big action star.  Alas, like Howie Long, it was not to be.  Thankfully, we are left with this hilarious, over-dramatic actioner as his legacy.  The leader of the Vampires is played by Tony Todd, known to the horror world as the Candyman.  It's also one of the first roles played by "Clueless"'s Stacey Dash.  And we can't forget yet another constipated performance from Jan-Michael Vincent, as a Vietnam vet with a bizarre taste in pets, and interior decoration.

We couldn't be happier to welcome Rob Schrab as our guest co-host for this show.  You know him as an accomplished director and writer (Children's Hospital, Community, Sarah Silverman Program), and co-creator of the amazing Channel 101.  This show will be a treat!


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Saturday, May 11th, 2013
9PM (Doors 8:30)
NerdMelt Showroom
7522 Sunset Blvd.
Hollywood, Calif. 90046
$8. in advance ($10. at the door)
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 We are also proud to have two killer stand-ups who will perform at the show: Beth Stelling (Conan), and Tom Franck (Dennis Miller Show)!  The laugh fires will also be stoked by you, and your one-liners during the movie.  Roast us up the funniest one, and you will win a prize!  All this and free popcorn?  You gotta do this!  Grab yourself an advance ticket or three at the cheap rate (it's more at the door).

Stay with us on Facebook, Twitter, and get on our email list for good measure.  We'll keep you abreast of all things cinematically horrible.  Get on our territory!

Soon,

HMN

Pray you don't become prey to "Deadly Prey"! TED PRIOR and DAVE CAMPBELL in person!

Ten-hut, HMN roastmasters!

Sure, we show bad movies.  But even among bad movies, there are blockbusters -- the Citizen Kanes of awfulness.  Among them are The Room, Troll 2, Birdemic, and the wonderful movie we are proud to present this April: Deadly Prey.

A 1987 direct-to-video Action International Pictures release, Deadly Prey concerns a corporate-funded militia group, made up of ex-Special Forces soldiers.  They train for combat by kidnapping people off the streets of Los Angeles, bringing them to their remote encampment, and hunting them… to death!  The militia makes a big mistake, however, when they kidnap Mike Danton.  It turns out Danton trained under the rogue unit's commander, Hogan, and was unsurprisingly, "the best of the best."  What follows is a glorious ballet of madcap violence unseen in any other movie crazy enough to even fathom attempting it.

In addition to the honor of screening the film, we are thrilled to welcome the stars of Deadly Prey, Ted Prior and Dave Campbell, who will appear onstage after the movie for a deadly Q&A!  They will also be armed with some surprises.  Come help us roast this magnificent turkey!

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Saturday, April 13, 2013

9PM (Doors 8:30)

NerdMelt Showroom

7522 Sunset Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90046

$8 in advance ($10 at the door)

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To power the comedic cinematic engine of HMN, we need your hilarity!  Help us riff the movie, and you could win a prize for the funniest one-liner of the evening.  Those who are lucky enough to have experienced this movie know well the aching facial muscles from laughter.  Get your tickets in advance now at a deadly discount.  We will feature stand-up from Josh Fadem (30 Rock, Eagleheart), in addition to free popcorn, and super-cheap snacks & drinks.

Come be a part of a once-in-a-blue-moon alignment of a great movie, great comedy, and great guest stars!  Follow us on Twitter, Facebook, and via our email list.  See you at the show!

Rat-a-tat-tat,

HMN

Double the horrible! "Two-Headed Shark Attack" bites in March!

Hello hello!

    HMN is primed and ready for our next movie roast, and we're excited to welcome you, the roastmasters, back to the show.  This month we feature a lovely feature from the bygone age of 2012.  To hell with the ides of March --  look out for the tides of March, because they just might bring ashore a "Two-Headed Shark Attack"!
   
    We start off on a Semester at Sea cruise, where your typical college-aged hormones surge with vigor.  Also surging through the water is a mutant shark with two heads (that's 6000 teeth).  It attacks the boat, sending its passengers to a small atoll which is unsurprisingly starting to collapse.  As it does, the number of college students dwindle due to the extremely hungry title character.

The film stars Brooke Hogan, Carmen Electra, and Charlie O'Connell (brother of Jerry, and doppelganger of Nathan Fillion).  We are honored to have director Chris Olen Ray attend the show -- Chris will participate in a Q&A after the movie, so get your Qs ready!  Chris might just bring along members of the cast, so stay tuned to find out who will be there!  We will also feature stand-up comedy from Ricky Carmona (Tosh.0, Mash-Up) and Dan Telfer (AST Records, Just for Laughs).  Plus free popcorn!  C'mon!

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Saturday, March 16th, 2013
9PM (Doors 8:30)
NerdMelt Showroom
7522 Sunset Blvd.
Hollywood, Calif., 90046
$8 in advance ($10 at the door)
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Grab your tickets now!  The last show nearly sold out, and might again once we reveal our to-be-announced guest cast members.  As always, our show wouldn't be our show without the chaotic hilarity of our audience (that's you).  Bring along some great funny, and you could walk away with a prize -- and we have great prizes courtesy of the creators of the film, and all-around great folks, The Asylum.  Don't forget the cheap snacks, free popcorn, amazing stand-ups -- it's gonna be a screamin' good time.

Facebook.  Twitter.  Email list.  Do it.

Chomp,

HMN

The inflight meal is you! It's "Flight of the Living Dead" with guest co-host Ted Raimi!

Prepare for takeoff, HMNers -

It's February, which probably makes a lot of you think about having your heart torn out and eaten right in front of you.  But we're not talking Valentine's Day -- we're talking this month's cinematic box of chocolates, "Flight of the Living Dead"!

This 2007 zombie flick (with the greatest title of all time) concerns a pathogen created to prolong the life of soldiers fighting while injured on the battlefield.  It is secretly transported on a commercial flight from L.A. to Paris and, quelle surprise, is released into the plane, creating zombies.  Now only a plucky group of passengers, flight attendants, and an air marshal have any hope of landing the plane safely without being unceremoniously devoured.

We are thrilled to have genre movie icon Ted Raimi join us onstage for this month's show.  Ted will co-host with us, lend his acumen to our roast of the movie, and generally class up the joint.  You won't want to miss it.

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Saturday, February 16th, 2013

9PM (Doors 8:30)

NerdMelt Showroom

7522 Sunset Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90046

$8 in advance ($10 at the door)

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Grab a ticket now to ensure you'll have a seat -- advance tickets are on sale at a discount: click here to purchase.  In addition to the movie, we will feature stand-up comedy from the awesome Graham Elwood, free popcorn & cheap snacks and drinks, and YOU!  Yes, you the audience provides the jokes, quips, jests, and one-liners that power the show.  The funniest quotes of the evening will win prizes, so arrive hilarious or shut up!  It's going to be an amazing show.  We can almost nearly certainly guarantee that all the internal organs you arrived with will not be eaten.

So get them tickets in advance, stalk us on Facebook and Twitter, email us to get on our mailing list, and tell a friend or eight about the show.  Looking forward to seeing your delicious selves at the theater!

Nom nom nom,

HMN

Scream with laughter at "Scream for Help"!

Crappy new year!

We survived the Mayan apocalypse, the fiscal cliff, and the lines for "The Hobbit", so let's salt the wounds with a whole new year of the best worst cinema, that we unendingly endeavor to unearth from their VHS clamshells.  To start 2013 off right, we present 1984's "Scream for Help."

Christy is your average teenager with a not-so average problem -- she's convinced her new stepfather is out to murder both her and her mother.  Her inquisitive mind starts to connect bizarre events in her house, despite little-to-no support from her dipshit friends, and a variety of useless authority figures.  As Christy travels further down the rabbit hole, she becomes an unwitting pawn in a plot by a group of agitated criminals -- until she decides to fight back.

There are afterschool specials, and then there's "Scream for Help", which plays as an after-vocational-school special.  This movie is amazingly inept.  The characters are unintentionally hysterical, and move about the story with all the finesse of electric football.  Time unspools in creatively confusing ways.  Do we really need to see Christy on her bike following her stepfather around three days in a row, losing him at a different point each day AND narrating it all as well?  The answer is yes, says your funny bone.

Surprisingly, one of the brightest stars of this film is the soundtrack.  It was composed & performed by John Paul Jones of Led Zeppelin, with guest performances by Jimmy Page, and Jon Anderson of Yes.  Imagine a Casio keyboard going insane, while locked in the coat closet of the dance club from "The Terminator."  It's so bad, it's almost a character in the movie.  It shows up in scenes, makes a ton of noise, and leaves abruptly amidst a trail of debris.  It's stunning.  Also of note, the writer is Tom Holland, who wrote the original "Fright Night", and director Michael Winner did the "Death Wish" series.  But don't expect anything other than a gorgeous disaster here.  You'll love it.

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Friday, January 4th, 2013

8PM (Doors 7:30)

NerdMelt Theater

7522 Sunset Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90046

$8 in advance ($10 at the door) 

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This movie is not on DVD, so it'll be special evening of bad cinema.  We are also pleased to announce that, after a hiatus for a couple of movies, we welcome the return of sex & nudity!  To that end, this movie is not suitable for anyone under 18 (or anyone without a sense of humor).  

We will have stand-up comedy based on the film & your suggestions.  And we'll have YOU!  You provide the witty commentary during the movie, and you could win a prize.  It's gonna be a hoot and a half.  Make sure to get your tickets in advance, as they are cheaper if you do so.  So do so!  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter, and give a us a like, a follow, and a RT.  See you soon!

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit L -- "Science Crazed"

There's several kinds of bad movies: good bad, boring bad, campy bad, and batshit frickin' insane bad.  Absolutely owning the last category is 1987's "Science Crazed."  It's the story of a scientist experimenting with a growth serum.  After injecting a woman in the hopes of her delivering a full-grown human, said full-grown human escapes the lab and begins a killing spree.  Two of the lab assistants and a cartoonish detective attempt to track down the creature.

If "Eraserhead" was instead made by a high school A/V club with equipment from 1982, you'd still have a ways to go before approaching the level of astonishing ineptitude of this movie.  It's jaw-dropping.  The editing errs on the side of maple syrup, the ADR punches your ears like Tyson, and acting makes you pray the killer hurries the fuck up (spoiler alert: he doesn't).  None of it, unfortunately, in a good bad way.

Consider yourselves warned, but you can view the entire film below.

Stay good bad,

HMN

Our next show at NerdMelt is Friday, Jan. 4th -- movie info soon!