Monday, October 29, 2012

You cannot terminate the "Alienator"!

The holidays are approaching!

Here at HMN, we venerate the real holiday season: Halloween & Thanksgiving.  We're all about spookiness and turkeys.  That said, we are anxious to open the flood gates of awesome with November's cinematic burnt offering, "Alienator."

From legendary & prodigious cult movie director Fred Olen Ray, this 1985 picture has a bit of a split-personality.  The first half takes place on a prison ship cruising through the galaxy.  Jan-Michael Vincent plays the captain (along with P.J. Soles from "Stripes"), who is supervising the execution of the notorious criminal Kol.  Naturally, Kol escapes and high-tails it to Earth, where he enters the second, completely different section of the movie.  Kol runs into a group of drunken college kids, and they are all soon being pursued by an unstoppable female cyborg.  Who is the good guy?  Who is the bad guy?  Who knows?  And ultimately, who cares?

"Alienator" is an ungodly amount of fun.  Jan-Michael Vincent has the helmetest of helmet hair in a thoroughly constipated performance that's amazing to behold.  We also Kol's breathless method acting as he tries to acclimate to Earth's atmosphere.  And let's not forget to mention the female terminator (not to be confused with "Lady Terminator"), whose laser blasts can vaporize a car, but can also be deflected by a trash can lid.  Oh, and she wears golf cart hubcaps on her boobs.

Saturday, November 17th, 2012
8PM (doors 7:30)
NerdMelt Showroom
7522 Sunset Blvd.
Hollywood, Calif., 90046
$8 in advance ($10 at the door)

We convene once again within the glorious haunches of the bodacious NerdMelt Showroom at Meltdown Comics.  If you get your tickets in advance, you get 'em cheaper than you would at the door, so do it!  There will also be improv at various points during the film, this month from musical improv troupe Love Jet, making their HMN debut.  

But of course, HMN wouldn't be HMN without you!   Your slings and arrows of funny power the engine of the show.  The best one-liners of the night will receive at prize!  So bring some judicious bits o' jokey.  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter, and we'll keep you in the know for future shows and various other bites of bad movieness.

See you soon,


Monday, October 15, 2012

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit K -- "Attack of the Beast Creatures"

It's another missive featuring the greatest misses of movies we've vetted for HMN.  This edition spotlights 1985's "Attack of the Beast Creatures."

This was a close one -- it's got everything we crave in a good/bad movie: terrible acting, non-existent special effects, awful monsters, and lots of dead space for audience mockery.  The story follows a group of shipwrecked survivors circa 1920 who land on a semi-tropical island (which looks remarkably like South Florida).  Soon after, mysterious and deadly events befall the unfortunate group.  Fresh water intermittently turns into flesh-melting acid, and scores of remarkably inanimate foot-tall monsters attack from the forest to munch on the humans.  The survivors do their best to escape their plight and the island, but are summarily picked off as they fend off the title characters.  It's embarrassing to be killed by evil Troll dolls with G.I. Joe kung-fu grip arm action.

It was just a smidge too slow to unleash upon a discriminating HMN audience.  As much as it is, we have a reputation to uphold.

"Attack of the Beast Creatures" is like "Lost" as experienced through a fogged-up old-timey diving helmet.  You'll feel like you have the bends watching this movie.  That said, here it is in its entirety -- watch only if like wooden acting and wooden puppets.

Our next HMN will be Saturday, November 17th at the fabu NerdMelt Showroom, featuring improv from Love Jet.  Movie info to be declassified soon!