"Pocket Ninjas"! It's a very innocuous title with a whimsical, kid-friendly poster. But be warned -- this movie is about as friendly as a chainsaw with cavities. The plot is not unlike a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book: some kids read a comic book about some kids who train to be ninjas who may or may not be some kids who are kung-fu vigilantes. Which storyline is real? Whose vantage point is it from? I'm sure no one involved knows. Jean Cocteau ain't got nuthin' on the surrealism of "Pocket Ninjas".
The dynamic duo of bad movies, Donald G. Jackson & Scott Shaw, have their hand in this film, which may explain some of the weirdness (and the neon-coiffed kabuki masks recycled from Shaw's epic, "The Roller Blade Seven"). "Pocket Ninjas" is groundbreaking in its mind-bending narrative. If you're afraid to try hallucinogenic drugs, but wonder what they're like, watch "Pocket Ninjas".
As a balmy L.A. winter settles upon the land, allow HMN to transport you to a fantasy realm to view a film so bad, it would make Gary Gygax spin in his grave. We could only be speaking of February's HMN movie, "Sorceress".
This 1982 sword & sorcery epic failure concerns twin sisters Mara and Mira, who are part of a prophecy that would unleash an era of darkness on the world. To prevent such a calamity, the girls are hidden away as babies and, as they grow up, are taught various fighting skills. They eventually team with a barbarian, a Viking, and a horny (pun intended) satyr to fight the wizard who would force his way to power.
"Sorceress" is a lovely, screaming disaster. For a film with female warrior leads, it's amazingly and hilariously sexist. The women are raised as boys, and every opportunity is exploited to have them disrobe, or pose asinine sexual questions (the scene where the Viking attempts to explain sex to them is especially cringe-worthy). You'll adore the terrible make-up and creature "effects" -- an ape is inexplicably an officer in the evil wizard's army. And wait 'til you see the greased-pole-and-sharp-stick torture device. There's so much to love here.
Peep the trailer below (NSFW, yo):
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Friday, February 25th, 2010 8PM (Doors at 7:15) The Complex - Ruby Theater 6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038 $8. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
This time, we're having the show on a Friday, just to keep you on your toes. We give out prizes for the best quips of the evening -- hack & slash the screen with your best riffs and one-liners, and you may walk away with one! Your host will be the inimitable Tom Winkler of doodie.com, and halftime improv will explode from The Omelettes, comedians extraordinaire. We will have treats & drinks for sale to buttress your funny yellings.
So come on down to the theater for this hilarious catastrophe! The more, the merrier is the HMN way, so spread the word, retweet, and like us! Have your friends give us a gander on Facebook and Twitter (you, too, if you haven't already).
We'll look forward to have you get medieval on our "Sorceress"! Thanks for your support.
We hope the new year is treating you well so far -- we won't tell 2011 what you said about 2010. In calendar years as in horrible movies, what's old is new again. That goes double for January's HMN film, "Zombie Lake".
From 1981, this French film (with wonderfully hilarious English dubbing) features a rural town with a secret, and a curse. Or is it a secret curse --? A lake in the forest is inhabited by Nazi zombies, who rise from the depths to kill female skinnydippers. The town's mayor tries to keep things quiet, even when out-of-town reporters and cops get involved. But eventually, the townsfolk must fight to eliminate a horror they helped create.
This film is beautiful garbage. It bends time more than Marty McFly ever did -- the Nazi soldiers are ambushed, killed, and dumped in the lake in 1943, but almost 40 years later, the townsfolk involved haven't aged a day. A daughter fathered by one of the Nazi soldiers is clearly only eight. The English translation makes Borat sound like Tom Wolfe. And there's so much nudity, you will qualify for a medical license merely by watching this film.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thursday, January 27th, 2010 8PM (Doors at 7:15) The Complex - Dorie Theater 6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038 $8. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We're doing another Thursday, in the glorious Dorie Theater in the main lobby at the Complex. As always, HMN needs your help to make fun of this movie. Bring your funniest self (and your funniest friends), and you may win a prize for the best one-liner of the evening.
The sparkly Omelettes will sparkle through some sparkly improv during the show, with scenes based on the movie. They always make a good/bad film great/horrible. There'll be drinks on hand for purchase at undead prices.
We'll wait patiently to eat your flesh, er -- host you for the show. Help us spread the horrible word! Give us a mention on your Facebook page and Twitter feed. Tell your favorite blog about us. And come down to the show if you haven't joined us yet, or if it's been a while. It's the horrible thing to do.
Until then, zombie lake water wishes, and rotting flesh dreams!
Hope the holidaze is treating you well so far. We're very excited/sorry to announce our December show -- it's a first for HMN! We unearthed two short subjects that bowled us over, so we're gonna show both of 'em. To wit --
First off is "Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny" from 1972, a bizarre tale of Santa being stranded on a beach in Florida just a couple of days before his Christmas rounds. He manages to corral a group of kids to help him, which entails auditioning various animals to pull his sleigh (including a gorilla) before his old pal the Ice Cream Bunny (no relation to the Ice Truck Killer) shows up. Yowza!
Next is 1964's "The Magic Christmas Tree". Yes, the same year the beloved "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" premiered on TV, this lump of coal somehow graced theater screens. The first & last movie for the director and most of the actors, it concerns a mouthy brat who meets a witch who gives him a ring, which creates a talking Christmas tree. The tree gives him three wishes, one of which he uses to imprison Santa at his house (à la "Reservoir Dogs"). Add in a race between a turtle and a lawnmower, and a pedifi-tastic woodsman/ogre, and you have a recipe for horrific holiday merriment.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Thursday, December 16th, 2010 8PM (Doors at 7:15) The Complex - Ruby Theater 6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038 $8. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We're doing a special Thursday night show, cuz we know your weekend is totally taken up with holiday parties. And as much as we like watching bad movies, we wanna see "Tron" this weekend like everyone else. Find us this month in the Ruby Theater, located in the main lobby of The Comnplex. Plentiful, free parking on Wilcox, just north of Santa Monica Blvd. You will thrill to the improv of the Omelettes, who will provide entertainment throughout the show. Friend 'em on Facebook!
To ward off the evening chill, there'll be drinks for sale at the HMN bar, along with freshly-baked brownies. But the best part of the evening will be you! We rely on the audience to riff the movie, so come armed with only best, hand-picked witticisms, and you may walk away with a prize.
Watching these wonderfully bad holiday films will be like a TSA pat-down, if you were super-duper ticklish. Come join us for the show, and spread the word on your Facebook, Twitter, and your other word-spreading apps. Get on the mailing list if you haven't, and follow us on the aforementioned sites if you haven't.
This is our favorite time of the year, as the rest of the country joins us in celebrating the turkey. And do we have a doozy to roast for you this month...
You know you've found a special movie when Erik Estrada is the best thing in it. That movie is 1990's "The Lost Idol". Set just after the Vietnam War, the film chronicles a mission to retrieve a giant golden statue, stashed in the jungle by Lt. Oliver (John Phillips, also the screenwriter), a greedy and traitorous U.S. soldier. Erik Estrada is a reluctant member of the fortune hunter team, forced to assist to protect his family. But he plans revenge against Oliver, his former commanding officer, and aims to make him pay for his treachery.
This film boasts a good deal of superlatives on its trek through the jungle, Cambodian sex bars, and the most poorly-run humanitarian aid center. Myra Chason is by far the absolute worst actor we've ever seen, and hilariously so. An Austrian bodybuilder sports an accent that makes Arnold Schwarzenegger sound like Sir Laurence Olivier. And can you truly take a villain seriously if he looks just like Dr. Seuss?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Saturday, November 20th, 2010 8PM (Doors at 7:15) The Complex - Flight Theater (upstairs) 6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038 $8. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We'll be bouncing around the various theaters of The Complex in the next few months -- November's show will take place upstairs in the Flight Theater. Follow the signs when you arrive. Parking is free & plentiful on Wilcox north of Santa Monica.
Tom Winkler of doodie.com will officiate this unholy union of movie and audience, with The Omelettes performing 80s hits, in the form of improv based on the movie. We'll have drinks possessing various powers (sorry, no Four Loko), along with fresh-baked brownies. And we'll be doling out prizes for those brave & hilarious wits with the best riffs of the evening. Pack your funny!
So come on down to the show, and we'll dogpile on this cinematic circus like it was Cooks Source magazine. Tell your friends, and join us on our email list if you haven't already, and our various web portals (Facebook, Twitter).
We'll look forward to seeing your horrible selves!
It's nearly time to unspool another of our impossibly awful films, and we'd love to have you collectively feel the pain. "Uninvited" is a hilarious sea voyage with a murderous mutant cat, dopey college kids, and knucklehead criminals. It mustn't be missed!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- Saturday, October 16th, 2010 - 8PM
(Doors at 7:15) The Complex - Dorie Theater 6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038 $8. -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
We set sail this Saturday at 8PM, so make sure to get on board at the Dorie Theater in The Complex. This show is brought to you by Cheezy Flicks, who fully endorse "Uninvited" as fine example of glorious cheesy cinema.
Tell a friend, and come join us! Thanks for your support.
Here's another entry in our ongoing series of movies we've screened that have not made the cut for our show, but are still worth a masochistic look.
Exhibit B is 1991's "Beasties", which unfortunately has nothing to do with the Boys of the same name. It's a goof on the 1950s alien-invasion-during-teen-rutting-season, with some odd additions. A nerdy science major goes on a double date, with the worst John Candy/Robin Williams imitator tagging along as his wingman. The group is captured by some punks (the zeitgeist version of punk rockers of the late 80s), who are in league with a satanic priestess. Oh, and there's aliens, too.
It's fun and stupid and weird and all the good things that make a HMN movie, but it's a bit slow, and shot amazing poorly (it was filmed in Super 8, and the DVD is a VHS transfer). There's a lot of funny moments, though, as evidenced in the trailer below. Watch only if you have extra ADHD meds.
Don't forget to join us for the killer mutant cat opus "Uninvited" this Saturday, October 16th at The Complex in Hollywood!
"Pocket Ninjas"! It's a very innocuous title with a whimsical, kid-friendly poster. But be warned -- this movie is about as friendly as a chainsaw with cavities. The plot is not unlike a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book: some kids read a comic book about some kids who train to be ninjas who may or may not be some kids who are kung-fu vigilantes. Which storyline is real? Whose vantage point is it from? I'm sure no one involved knows. Jean Cocteau ain't got nuthin' on the surrealism of "Pocket Ninjas".
