You cannot terminate the "Alienator"!

The holidays are approaching!

Here at HMN, we venerate the real holiday season: Halloween & Thanksgiving.  We're all about spookiness and turkeys.  That said, we are anxious to open the flood gates of awesome with November's cinematic burnt offering, "Alienator."

From legendary & prodigious cult movie director Fred Olen Ray, this 1985 picture has a bit of a split-personality.  The first half takes place on a prison ship cruising through the galaxy.  Jan-Michael Vincent plays the captain (along with P.J. Soles from "Stripes"), who is supervising the execution of the notorious criminal Kol.  Naturally, Kol escapes and high-tails it to Earth, where he enters the second, completely different section of the movie.  Kol runs into a group of drunken college kids, and they are all soon being pursued by an unstoppable female cyborg.  Who is the good guy?  Who is the bad guy?  Who knows?  And ultimately, who cares?

"Alienator" is an ungodly amount of fun.  Jan-Michael Vincent has the helmetest of helmet hair in a thoroughly constipated performance that's amazing to behold.  We also Kol's breathless method acting as he tries to acclimate to Earth's atmosphere.  And let's not forget to mention the female terminator (not to be confused with "Lady Terminator"), whose laser blasts can vaporize a car, but can also be deflected by a trash can lid.  Oh, and she wears golf cart hubcaps on her boobs.

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Saturday, November 17th, 2012

8PM (doors 7:30)

NerdMelt Showroom

7522 Sunset Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90046

$8 in advance ($10 at the door)

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We convene once again within the glorious haunches of the bodacious NerdMelt Showroom at Meltdown Comics.  If you get your tickets in advance, you get 'em cheaper than you would at the door, so do it!  There will also be improv at various points during the film, this month from musical improv troupe Love Jet, making their HMN debut.  

But of course, HMN wouldn't be HMN without you!   Your slings and arrows of funny power the engine of the show.  The best one-liners of the night will receive at prize!  So bring some judicious bits o' jokey.  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter, and we'll keep you in the know for future shows and various other bites of bad movieness.

See you soon,

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit K -- "Attack of the Beast Creatures"

It's another missive featuring the greatest misses of movies we've vetted for HMN.  This edition spotlights 1985's "Attack of the Beast Creatures."

This was a close one -- it's got everything we crave in a good/bad movie: terrible acting, non-existent special effects, awful monsters, and lots of dead space for audience mockery.  The story follows a group of shipwrecked survivors circa 1920 who land on a semi-tropical island (which looks remarkably like South Florida).  Soon after, mysterious and deadly events befall the unfortunate group.  Fresh water intermittently turns into flesh-melting acid, and scores of remarkably inanimate foot-tall monsters attack from the forest to munch on the humans.  The survivors do their best to escape their plight and the island, but are summarily picked off as they fend off the title characters.  It's embarrassing to be killed by evil Troll dolls with G.I. Joe kung-fu grip arm action.

It was just a smidge too slow to unleash upon a discriminating HMN audience.  As much as it is, we have a reputation to uphold.

"Attack of the Beast Creatures" is like "Lost" as experienced through a fogged-up old-timey diving helmet.  You'll feel like you have the bends watching this movie.  That said, here it is in its entirety -- watch only if like wooden acting and wooden puppets.



Our next HMN will be Saturday, November 17th at the fabu NerdMelt Showroom, featuring improv from Love Jet.  Movie info to be declassified soon!

L,

HMN

It's our 3rd birthday! Come celebrate with a secret movie we've been forbidden to show!

It's Horrible Movie Night's third birthday!  

That's a lot of movies we've riffed, roasted, and summarily eviscerated with you.  Over the years, we've been fortunate to have loyal fans, great improv, and terrific guest actors & directors.  You guys are the best -- damned funny people all.  But of course, we ain't goin' out all sappy Hallmark birthday style.  It's in our DNA to bring the horribleness, especially to a birthday (don't ask what happened at Nana's 78th).

To celebrate, we will be presenting a special secret movie.  Showing this film could quite possibly expose us to lawsuits, public censure, and grevious bodily harm, but it will definitely result in extreme hilarity.  We've dared not show this gobsmackingly hilarious turd up until now, and we promise you'll be glad we did.  Wish we could tell you more -- you simply cannot miss it!

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Friday, October 5th, 2012

9PM (doors 8:30)

NerdMelt Theater

7522 Sunset Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90046

$8 in advance ($10 at the door)

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Please note that we have a new start time for this show at NerdMelt -- the terror will begin at 9PM.  That gives you a little while extra to weave your way through the truly horrible L.A. traffic.  But do guarantee a seat for yourself by buying a ticket early at the link.  And they're cheaper if you get 'em in advance, so do it!

We will have improv as always, and special birthday gifts to give away for the best one-liners of the night.  We'll be featuring some of HMN's best-of-the-worst moments in the weeks before the show, including some caption contests where you can win a free ticket to the show!  

This is gonna be super epic.  Make sure to keep up with us on Facebook, Twitter, and our email list.  Be there to experience this movie before it rips the roof off your house and eats you whole.

Luff,

HMN

Save the date! It's HMN's third birthday!

Can you believe it?

Three years is a lot of lousy movies.  We couldn't be happier to have brought you the show for this long.  So from now until October 5th, we'll be featuring some of our favorite moments from our run so far, along with a couple caption contests.  And of course, there will be details for the show at NerdMelt, including about the secret movie we'll be presenting.

Stay tuned via Facebook and Twitter, thanks for being there, and plan on more rotten cinema!

HMN

To hell with back-to-school -- come celebrate Spring Break with "Nightmare Beach"!

Surf's up, bad movie fans!

If you're like us, then nothing says September like Spring Break!  OK, you're not like us, and that's a good thing because our neighbors don't look us in the eye anymore.  The point is that we've found a lovely lousy movie to make you dream of partying in South Florida on bath salts: 1988's "Nightmare Beach".

Also known as "Welcome to Spring Break", this terrific turd is a slasher flick set against the debaucherous background of Manatee Beach in Ft. Lauderdale.  Diablo, the leader of a violent biker gang, is executed, but not before vowing to return for revenge.  Just as the throngs of college kids arrive in town, Diablo's body disappears from its grave, and people start to show up dead at the hands of a mysterious helmet-clad motorcyclist.  Two college knuckleheads get pulled into the mix, and start their own investigation, running afoul of bikers and cops alike.  Add in a romance with a tough-as-nails bartender chick, and you got yourself a spring sandwich of awesome.

The film was directed by horrormeister Umberto Lenzi, under the pseudonym Harry Kirkpatrick (you wouldn't want to use your real name, either), and stars John Saxon (featured in another nightmare: "Nightmare on Elm Street") as the take-no-shit police chief.  The soundtrack has more heavy metal than a Superfund site, and the acting is as bad as the movie's bikini contests.  "Nightmare Beach" is a wonderful cheesefest.

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Thursday, September 6th, 2012

8PM (doors 7:30)

NerdMelt Theater

7522 Sunset Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90046

$8 in advance ($10 at the door)

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The film is in English, but perhaps to prevent English speakers to viewing it, there's no English trailer.  The funniest one we could find is in German, so enjoy:

Come escape the heat in NerdMelt's air-conditioned theater, and get your tickets in advance at a discount.  You can even score a free admission to our show if you enter our Horrible Movie Caption contest -- write the funniest caption to a still of this month's movie, and you'll win a free ticket!  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter to keep updated on when the contest begins.

So wax your board (just not in the theater) and join us on Sept. 6th at NerdMelt!

Chug chug chug,

HMN

P.S. - Check out the killer theme song Nerf Herder frontman and internet sensation Parry Gripp wrote for us!

There is no epidural strong enough to endure the labor of "Hercules"!

Ahoy, HMN fans -

For this month's entry into our pantheon of dreck, we seriously contemplated writing only one sentence to entice you to visit with us: "Have you ever seen someone throw a bear into outer space?"  As great as that sentence is (and it does happen in the movie, BTW), we felt we owe to it ourselves to explain the hilarious nightmare that is 1983's "Hercules".

The classic tale of the Greek superman is updated (for 1983 anyway) with a boatload of cheesy special effects, stop-motion animation, and Lou Ferrigno's pulsating muscles.  Instead of twelve labors, this particular Hercules must travel hither and yon at the whim of the gods, mostly in pursuit of the fair Cassiopeia.  In trying to avoid death from both mortal and divine hands, Hercules fights all manner of foes (including mechanical monsters), visits Atlantis AND Hell, and rides an interstellar chariot powered by a rock.

Story is quite secondary in this movie -- maybe thirdly or lastly, actually.  Of much more importance is Lou's heaving pecs, as well as the eternal movie babe Sybil Danning's heaving pecs.  We also have a droning narrator, who takes us from the creation of the universe on through the entirety of the film.  Another highlight is Daedalus, who from her outpost on the moon, shows off small versions of the mechanical monsters she plans to use to doom Hercules -- they are the actual stop-motion models used in the movie.  At one point, another god asks her, "Can you make them bigger?"  And of course, there's that space bear.

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Thursday, August 2nd, 2012

8PM (doors 7:30)

NerdMelt Theater

7522 Sunset Blvd.

Hollywood, Calif., 90046

$8 in advance ($10 at the door)

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As hot as this movie is, it won't be hot in the newly-air-conditioning-laden NerdMelt Theater.  Get your tickets in advance, and you will receive a discount!  We will also be offering a free ticket to the show in our new Horrible Movie Caption contest -- write the funniest caption to a still of this month's movie, and you'll get in free!  Follow us on Facebook and Twitter to keep updated on when the contest begins.

Those interstellar bears of improv, The Omelettes, will grace the stage once again at HMN, creating scenes based on the movie and your suggestions.  But of course, the star of the evening is you!  Regale us with your funny bon mots and you could win a prize.  BYOB and guarantee you'll be funnier.

Get on our mailing list, get a ticket, and on August 2nd, get in our audience!  See you then!

Grunt,

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit J -- "Without Warning"

Bam!

Without warning, it's another entry in our too-bad-to-be-horrible files!

There's nothing like a Greydon Clark flick.  We have previous featured his mutant cat on a yacht picture, "Uninvited", at our theater show, so we were stoked to delve into another in his oeuvre, "Without Warning."

It starts out so promising -- HMN favorite Cameron Mitchell and his son (along on a hunting trip to man up) are dispatched by what can only be described as flying pocket pussies with teeth.  Ick.  There is also a teenage David Caruso (minus the sunglasses) acting a fool in 1980s short shorts.  And how can you resist Jack Palance and Martin Landau trying to out-gruff each other?  Believe it -- or not!


Sadly, it's somewhat joyless in its cheese, going through the motions after the halfway point.  There are indeed plenty of fun moments, though -- watch the entire movie below.  Now you are no longer without a warning.

Info on our August 2nd show soon!

HMN