Don't say you didn't see this coming! It's March's HMN (with a special guest)!

March forward, HMNers -

We've been using the late winter thaw to our advantage, overturning mossy rocks and rotting logs looking for more of the worst movies you've never heard of. And this month, we've found a white truffle.

It's "Lethal Premonition" -- a 2003 gem so bad, it isn't even on IMDB! We weren't even sure this movie existed until we finally scored a copy. It is the story of Jackie, a fashion designer who has persistent visions of various girls being attacked. When real-life disappearances start happening, and getting no help from the police nor her imbecilic boyfriend, she starts investigating on her own. Teaming up with a disgraced cop and a bemulleted psychic, Jackie attempts to track down the mysterious attacker.

This movie is all kinds of bad. We love that the identity of the villain is given away on the back of the DVD box. It's shot on a camcorder (like HMN favorite, "Suburban Sasquatch"), cinching its no-budget look. The acting is astonishingly terrible. Every scene at the police station is a joy to behold -- the actors playing cops make Jack Webb look like Sir Laurence Olivier. And what is a HMN movie without boobs! In this case, the main actress has a modest bosom, but her body double is jarringly stacked!

The best part of March's HMN is one of the stars of the movie will be in attendance: our own sassy Omelette ingredient, Natalia Reagan! Yes, she appeared in this film in one of her first roles. Natalia will answer your questions at a Q & A after the movie.

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Friday, March 25th, 2010

8PM (Doors at 7:15)

The Complex - Ruby Theater

6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038

$8.

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Make sure to get your butt to the theater early, as this'll be a popular show. As always, we will be featuring The Omelettes, whose improv will only accelerate the burn this movie will most definitely leave upon your soul. Friend them on Facebook, and in real life! There will be prizes for the best riffs yelled out during the show. Fire only your funniest synapses, and you may be a winner!

Friend us, follow us, recommend us in any actual/virtual way, and of course, come join us down at the theater in delightful Hollywood! We'll look forward (get it?) to seeing you.

Luff,

HMN

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit D - "Ax 'Em"

Ever wonder who would win a fight between a blender and a movie script? Wonder no further, because "Ax 'Em" is the answer! This ultra-low budget slasher film (supposedly it cost $650. to make) has members of a black fraternity taking a road trip to stay in creepy mansion. A killer is loose in search of some sort of unrelated revenge, and that's about all the sense this film makes. Lighting, sound, camera work, editing -- they're all impossibly awful. Group shots are posed like family portraits, and no less than five people talk simultaneously. But note well the final words of an elderly murder victim, which will assuredly enter your daily lexicon: "Awwwwww shit."

This atrocious turd was brought to light by Michael Adams, in his great bad movie book, "Showgirls, Teen Wolves, and Astro Zombies: A Film Critic's Year-Long Quest to Find the Worst Movie Ever Made". You know you're in trouble within seconds as the misspelled prologue skewers the logic center of your brain. And it's only downhill from there.

Know the past, or you'll be doomed to watch it again --

HMN has polluted the screen nineteen times at its show so far. Are you a curious newcomer interested in what we've previously shown? Are you a HMN vet wanting to relive the pain? Well, then peruse our eternally damned movies -- never to make it into movie heaven, but will party in movie hell.

The Executioner Part 2
Memorial Valley Massacre
The Witching
Suburban Sasquatch
Santa with Muscles
Guns of El Chupacabra
Iced
Terror in Beverly Hills
Microwave Massacre
The Meateater
Alien Vs. Hunter
Deadly Prey
Twister's Revenge
Alien Warrior
Uninvited
The Lost Idol
Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny/Magic Christmas Tree
Zombie Lake
Sorceress

Too horrible for HMN! Exhibit C - "Pocket Ninjas"

"Pocket Ninjas"! It's a very innocuous title with a whimsical, kid-friendly poster. But be warned -- this movie is about as friendly as a chainsaw with cavities. The plot is not unlike a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book: some kids read a comic book about some kids who train to be ninjas who may or may not be some kids who are kung-fu vigilantes. Which storyline is real? Whose vantage point is it from? I'm sure no one involved knows. Jean Cocteau ain't got nuthin' on the surrealism of "Pocket Ninjas".

The dynamic duo of bad movies, Donald G. Jackson & Scott Shaw, have their hand in this film, which may explain some of the weirdness (and the neon-coiffed kabuki masks recycled from Shaw's epic, "The Roller Blade Seven"). "Pocket Ninjas" is groundbreaking in its mind-bending narrative. If you're afraid to try hallucinogenic drugs, but wonder what they're like, watch "Pocket Ninjas".

Abracadabra! Come help us saw this "Sorceress" in half!

Hark, HMN fans -

As a balmy L.A. winter settles upon the land, allow HMN to transport you to a fantasy realm to view a film so bad, it would make Gary Gygax spin in his grave. We could only be speaking of February's HMN movie, "Sorceress".

This 1982 sword & sorcery epic failure concerns twin sisters Mara and Mira, who are part of a prophecy that would unleash an era of darkness on the world. To prevent such a calamity, the girls are hidden away as babies and, as they grow up, are taught various fighting skills. They eventually team with a barbarian, a Viking, and a horny (pun intended) satyr to fight the wizard who would force his way to power.

"Sorceress" is a lovely, screaming disaster. For a film with female warrior leads, it's amazingly and hilariously sexist. The women are raised as boys, and every opportunity is exploited to have them disrobe, or pose asinine sexual questions (the scene where the Viking attempts to explain sex to them is especially cringe-worthy). You'll adore the terrible make-up and creature "effects" -- an ape is inexplicably an officer in the evil wizard's army. And wait 'til you see the greased-pole-and-sharp-stick torture device. There's so much to love here.

Peep the trailer below (NSFW, yo):



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Friday, February 25th, 2010
8PM (Doors at 7:15)
The Complex - Ruby Theater
6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038
$8.
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This time, we're having the show on a Friday, just to keep you on your toes. We give out prizes for the best quips of the evening -- hack & slash the screen with your best riffs and one-liners, and you may walk away with one! Your host will be the inimitable Tom Winkler of doodie.com, and halftime improv will explode from The Omelettes, comedians extraordinaire. We will have treats & drinks for sale to buttress your funny yellings.

So come on down to the theater for this hilarious catastrophe! The more, the merrier is the HMN way, so spread the word, retweet, and like us! Have your friends give us a gander on Facebook and Twitter (you, too, if you haven't already).

We'll look forward to have you get medieval on our "Sorceress"! Thanks for your support.

HMN

Forget everything you know about zombies. Seriously.

Auld lang syne, HMN family!

We hope the new year is treating you well so far -- we won't tell 2011 what you said about 2010. In calendar years as in horrible movies, what's old is new again. That goes double for January's HMN film, "Zombie Lake".

From 1981, this French film (with wonderfully hilarious English dubbing) features a rural town with a secret, and a curse. Or is it a secret curse --? A lake in the forest is inhabited by Nazi zombies, who rise from the depths to kill female skinnydippers. The town's mayor tries to keep things quiet, even when out-of-town reporters and cops get involved. But eventually, the townsfolk must fight to eliminate a horror they helped create.

This film is beautiful garbage. It bends time more than Marty McFly ever did -- the Nazi soldiers are ambushed, killed, and dumped in the lake in 1943, but almost 40 years later, the townsfolk involved haven't aged a day. A daughter fathered by one of the Nazi soldiers is clearly only eight. The English translation makes Borat sound like Tom Wolfe. And there's so much nudity, you will qualify for a medical license merely by watching this film.



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Thursday, January 27th, 2010
8PM (Doors at 7:15)
The Complex - Dorie Theater
6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038
$8.
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We're doing another Thursday, in the glorious Dorie Theater in the main lobby at the Complex. As always, HMN needs your help to make fun of this movie. Bring your funniest self (and your funniest friends), and you may win a prize for the best one-liner of the evening.

The sparkly Omelettes will sparkle through some sparkly improv during the show, with scenes based on the movie. They always make a good/bad film great/horrible. There'll be drinks on hand for purchase at undead prices.

We'll wait patiently to eat your flesh, er -- host you for the show. Help us spread the horrible word! Give us a mention on your Facebook page and Twitter feed. Tell your favorite blog about us. And come down to the show if you haven't joined us yet, or if it's been a while. It's the horrible thing to do.

Until then, zombie lake water wishes, and rotting flesh dreams!

HMN

Get into our Christmas shorts -- it's December's HMN!

Happy merry, horribillies!

Hope the holidaze is treating you well so far. We're very excited/sorry to announce our December show -- it's a first for HMN! We unearthed two short subjects that bowled us over, so we're gonna show both of 'em. To wit --

First off is "Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny" from 1972, a bizarre tale of Santa being stranded on a beach in Florida just a couple of days before his Christmas rounds. He manages to corral a group of kids to help him, which entails auditioning various animals to pull his sleigh (including a gorilla) before his old pal the Ice Cream Bunny (no relation to the Ice Truck Killer) shows up. Yowza!





Next is 1964's "The Magic Christmas Tree". Yes, the same year the beloved "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" premiered on TV, this lump of coal somehow graced theater screens. The first & last movie for the director and most of the actors, it concerns a mouthy brat who meets a witch who gives him a ring, which creates a talking Christmas tree. The tree gives him three wishes, one of which he uses to imprison Santa at his house (à la "Reservoir Dogs"). Add in a race between a turtle and a lawnmower, and a pedifi-tastic woodsman/ogre, and you have a recipe for horrific holiday merriment.



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Thursday, December 16th, 2010
8PM (Doors at 7:15)
The Complex - Ruby Theater
6476 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, Calif 90038
$8.
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We're doing a special Thursday night show, cuz we know your weekend is totally taken up with holiday parties. And as much as we like watching bad movies, we wanna see "Tron" this weekend like everyone else. Find us this month in the Ruby Theater, located in the main lobby of The Comnplex. Plentiful, free parking on Wilcox, just north of Santa Monica Blvd. You will thrill to the improv of the Omelettes, who will provide entertainment throughout the show. Friend 'em on Facebook!

To ward off the evening chill, there'll be drinks for sale at the HMN bar, along with freshly-baked brownies. But the best part of the evening will be you! We rely on the audience to riff the movie, so come armed with only best, hand-picked witticisms, and you may walk away with a prize.

Watching these wonderfully bad holiday films will be like a TSA pat-down, if you were super-duper ticklish. Come join us for the show, and spread the word on your Facebook, Twitter, and your other word-spreading apps. Get on the mailing list if you haven't, and follow us on the aforementioned sites if you haven't.

We'll look forward to seeing you. Happy holidaze!

HMN